Sunday, December 21, 2008

"Adulthood"

Hey! Us kids know!

Year's almost over, so that goddamn awards show's already set up shop at my heels and commenced the appropriate nipping protocols. Coming into '08 there was a definite air of fuck yeah! on the musical end, with beloved new acts like Wolf Parade and Tokyo Police Club slated for sophomore releases. While last year's ceremonies were still going on, I was scratching my head as to what new and outlandish award categories we could fashion for those albums, but the result ended up being—and stop me if you've heard this before—that they changed it. Moreover—and this may or may not be connected to said change—it now sucks.

To summarize: they changed it, now it sucks.

Obviously it's common practice for the blockrog crowd to take this phrase each morning with their tea and scones (nice breakfast choices, assholes), but I've always prided myself as being somewhat of a yeasayer (All Hours Cymbals by Yeasayer: 7.72/10) in these matters. Arcade Fire are better than Talking Heads, Futureheads are better than Gang of Four, and goddamn anything is better than Dinosaur, Jr. But it's an entirely different case here. Nobody has “sold out” (or have they? I honestly dunno. You'll notice that the only reference ever to a record label on this blog was my metaphorical invocation of DFA in my first article, and, y'know what, I may have been talking about the band), nobody's “just ripoffs”, nobody's putting out “the same old shit”. Au contraries, I place the blame on “adulthood”.

Let's review: I've already declared that bands like Arcade Fire have as much of a place—or even more—in the artistic canon as their “groundbreaking” and “revolutionary” progenitors, and this is only partly the usual slam on the nostalgia-mongers. The other half, and the one we'll discuss here, is that “derivative” has become a de facto cuss word in artistic circles. The very notion that a new release draws inspiration or elements from an earlier work is enough to send some into a rage, like so: “they're all just unofficial mods to Quaaaaaaaaaake!” One might counter that the argument is less absurd when stripped of hyperbole, but I really don't think it is.

The contention of the Reasonable Man is that, while originality and experimentation may be of value in the process, its only value in the product is if it contributes to a greater final aesthetic. Granted, if you had shot David Bowie before he ever declared himself a sex alien, I would probably disappear from the fucking time-stream, but that's neither here nor there. I, the Theorist have reason to care about originality, as it very often does lead to the pioneering of new and worthy aesthetics, but I, the Listener am perfectly content with my Foals, thank you. You'll note that in my colleague's repeated attacks on said gentlemen, he has lashed out against the concept (not the execution!) of Jack White twice, yet never actually mentioned music. Valid?

's all we got today, folks. Tune in next time, wherein if you read really closely, you might be able to figure out why these articles are titled “Adulthood”.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Watch Movies Sometimes

Frost/Nixon
The Wrestler
Slumdog Millionaire
Let The Right One In

Fuck, was I supposed to append an article to this? UFC 92 ain't for another week and a half, so it doesn't look like I got a lot of outs...


My bad, guys.

Fuck Video Games (Vol. 3)


We're all trapped in fucking boxes. I already established that. So I think it's funny how, in the scramble to write all the year-end wrapups (NCA! GOAAAAL), the journalistically-inclined are reviewing the boxes that give us the boxes. You can call it what you want – I find the “six-sides of dick” more fitting than the “console war” – but because it's that time of year, I guess it's time to know just what side you're on.

Fuck video games.

No, this is not an endorsement, and no, I have no intention of turning this into a ForumPlanet discussion called “Xbox vs Wii vs PS3”... or “Halo 2 vs Half-life 2 vs Doom 3”... or, yeah, any of that. I'm also not gonna give you any of that “gamer unity” bullshit, or suggest to Jack Thompson that he “not fuck with us”, or even readily identify as a “gamer” in the first place. So I guess I'm not the right person to write this? Fuck! All dressed up and no place to go. Column canceled.

But uh, while you're here, let's talk about the possibilities for this NCA. Award shows are fun, as some of us know all-too-well, but they fail without proper declaration of intent. I'm going to take this time to throw out the names of some personal favorites as possible nominations, and I fully expect my colleague to follow suit:

Music
Tobacco – Fucked Up Friends
Women – Women
Max Tundra – Parallel Error Beheads You
Original Silence – The Second Original Silence
The Dead C – Secret Earth

Film
Wall-E
Fuck you?

Gaming
Metal Gear Solid 4
Mario Kart Wii
The Nintendo W-- Aww, fuck.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Funny Thing Happened . . .

Napoleon.In.Rags: sup?
paris.by.night: Just chillin'.
paris.by.night: And yourself?
paris.by.night: Hey, I got something to ask ya
Napoleon.In.Rags: Yeah?
paris.by.night: A man is brushing his teeth at 5 in the morning - he usually waits until 6
Napoleon.In.Rags: Why? I need to know.
paris.by.night: A car takes a left turn instead of its habitual right: the driver is distracted by a song he loves on the radio.
Napoleon.In.Rags: What's the meaning? Tell me.
paris.by.night: A professor tries to print out his syllabus: he winds up printing an email from his mother. He's ridiculed by his colleagues.
paris.by.night: How are these events connected?
Napoleon.In.Rags: I can't solve your problem.
Napoleon.In.Rags: I'm not your messiah.
paris.by.night: They aren't connected. Not in 2008 they aren't.
paris.by.night: It sounds like the setup for... a goddamn movie, doesn't it?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Nic Cage vehicle, you figger?
paris.by.night: A series of happenstance occurrences leading to -- well yeah, maybe an enormous fuckin' masonic treasure! Fuck!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Here, watch this:
Napoleon.In.Rags: Is it a fight to the death if they're both dying anyway?
Napoleon.In.Rags: (Two men find out in December)
paris.by.night: I'd rather think of it as Your Average Wager.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Yeah? What's on the line, soldier?
paris.by.night: Your Average Wager... My Average Wager... My Best Wager....Your Best Wager... My Best Bet
paris.by.night: There.
paris.by.night: I just named an NME band.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Soundtracks on the TeeVee. A bit counterintuitive, innit?
paris.by.night: You think Cage gives a fuck?
paris.by.night: You think Cage gave a shit when he started that magazine?
Napoleon.In.Rags: I mean, if we're gonna throw out some categories here, I'd wager Dear Science, qualifies for at least--
paris.by.night: Awwwww, christ!
paris.by.night: Maybe it's a code.
paris.by.night: Maybe it's just a cage after all?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Lissen, lissen, Cage isn't the target. You got the address all wrong.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Who lives at the end of the Five And A Half Minute Hallway, and who's the Lonely Man in the Lonely Tower?
Napoleon.In.Rags: (Two men find out in December)
paris.by.night: (That's your best bet!)
Napoleon.In.Rags: What is this shit, jangle-gaze? Now you're just fuckin' with me!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Here, put me on the line with the Man!
paris.by.night: Alright alright, I apologize.
paris.by.night: Forwarding you...
paris.by.night: Yes?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Do you live at the end of the 5 ½ minute hallway?
paris.by.night: I ... breathe with some effort.
Napoleon.In.Rags: I'm sorry, Mr. Abrams, I didn't catch that, could you repeat--
paris.by.night: [A strangled gasp]
paris.by.night: [A hallway. No windows.]
Napoleon.In.Rags: That's odd. A bit chilly all of a sudden.
paris.by.night: [A strangled gasp. Quieter this time. Dial tone.]
Napoleon.In.Rags: Huh. That was just a tad out of the ordinary.
Napoleon.In.Rags: But I think I have the answer. I think I can be the Messiah now.
paris.by.night: [Dial tone cuts off. A man breathing.]
paris.by.night: Hold on a moment.
Napoleon.In.Rags: How 'bout you? Did you Find Out?
paris.by.night: I wasn't really looking. [A dial tone plays, but the man keeps talking] Disconnected now. Funny how that happens. Disconnect please.
paris.by.night: Why don't you disconnect?
paris.by.night: [The dial tone is getting louder.]
Napoleon.In.Rags: 'cause I understand the chilliness all of a sudden.
Napoleon.In.Rags: That's the type of weather you're gonna get in December.
Napoleon.In.Rags: [click]
Napoleon.In.Rags: ((Do we end there, or you wanna keep going for a bit?))
paris.by.night: ((Keep going))
Napoleon.In.Rags: ((That's your call to make))
paris.by.night: ((A wall gets broken.))
Napoleon.In.Rags: (Wait no, no, fuck you. They can't see this, this part is real)
paris.by.night: ((The wall's gone. Defenses weren't strong enough, I guess.))
paris.by.night: (([A dial tone plays. It's faint.]))
paris.by.night: Abrams?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fuck you! Cut the feed! Cut the brackets! Cut the bullshit!
paris.by.night: Cut the bullshit?
paris.by.night: Alright bud, there weren't many good movies this year.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fucking... what does this mean? Do we come clean? What other outs do we got?
paris.by.night: Yeah, I guess. Hands up, soldier!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Alright, let's roll with it.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Max Payne wins the Originality of Vision Award. Some hipsters in the corner chuckle.
Napoleon.In.Rags: This is my disappointingly-sized dick, Internet.
Napoleon.In.Rags: You two will be fast friends.
paris.by.night: Shitheads haven't seen a good movie since SalMar gave us Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. A dial tone starts. I IGNORE IT.
Napoleon.In.Rags: (See right now I notice he's entering more text, so I don't say anything. We're usually not that civil)
paris.by.night: (Looks like an error in iChat?)
paris.by.night: Oh Jesus God.
paris.by.night: That's...
paris.by.night: a dial tone.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fuck! He's onto us!
paris.by.night: Shit! I'm outta here!

[[There should be a picture here somewhere. Maybe stick one in for the final post? Also, can we get a fix on those colors? They're too goddamn bright. --Ed.]]

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Nos Chers Amis 2007 (Part 5)

There's been a fucking breakdown. This is unacceptable. Get me some protocols here!

For Christ's sake...


Addendum: UFC 83 Predictions
Mac Danzig vs. Mark Bocek
Charles McCarthy vs. Michael Bisping
Nate Quarry vs. Kalib Starnes
Travis Lutter vs. Rich Franklin
Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Serra

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Jay Reatard & The Black Keys @ The Riviera (4/12/08)

I handed my printed-off Ticketmaster ticket (what the fuck!) to the gatekeeper of the Riviera, expecting some kind of orderly barcode-scan or basic display of interest in my identity -- pretty standard stuff these days, so imagine my surprise when he just ripped the barcode off the sheet with a massively-jaded expression and let me in. I- I could have just printed out 30 of those things and no one would have even noticed!

Oops! Not that I'd have any friends who'd be particularly stoked to see Jay Reatard OR the Black Keys with me because they are, respectively, unknown or (Daaaaaanger Moooooouse!) seen as having loosened their own quality control standards as of late. Jay & crew appeared with zero fanfare, strolling hesitantly onstage wearing Urban Outfitters sneakers (tag still dangling :\) and silly white-kid afros. As an actual fan of their debut Blood Visions -- but with no image of the band to go by -- I was pretty confused by the dreadful aesthetic brought on by the 2001-kids-dressing-for-the-'80s style and the obvious, distracting youth of the members. Shit man, the no-vocals guitarist didn't look a day over 16 as he emphatically lipsynched the songs (far more convincingly, yes, than Jay himself) and wailed on his TOTALLY BODACIOUS white Flying V. ... ???

The band played through maybe 10 songs in 20 minutes, never really stopping in between, to a crowd of mostly drunk and confused morons and one guy (Our Hero, paris.by.night!) dancing like a complete goon. A quick check of their MySpace revealed more than one comment consisting of "GREAT SHOW GUYS, SORRY THE CROWD SUCKED SO MUCH". Seems only a select few are into this? We'll see how these clowns change their tune when Jay plays Pitchfork this July. That's right, I loved the show - I just closed my eyes to the blinding aesthetics and enjoyed it like I enjoy the record. I recommend you all do the same.

Anyway, The Keys came on to a roar of annoyingly-relieved applause and played a damn good set - damn good! - until something about (new lead single) "Strange Times" sent four frat boys on a convulsive moshing spree down the floor. Who on earth would want to mosh to blues? It felt awkward and unwanted for all subsequent tracks except "10AM Automatic", enough of a straightforward stomp-rock affair to almost justify the number of broken noses that inevitably left the theatre that night.

And uh, Patrick can really play. That alone's worth the price of admission. Charmed, a little hesitantly.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Fuck Video Games (Vol. 2)

So I'm sittin' here in a veritable hell-hole of mechanization. Everyone around me's really into it, y'know? I casually check the blogs to kill the boredom. Oops, here's a videogame blog -- yep, there's another. GTA4's coming out, yeah? Looks like it's time for another FVG.

First I'd like to point out that this post will be entirely void of images. Images, man. Who needs 'em? Actually this is rather an interim period for Blogger and I (fourth wall come back!) and apparently despite the "upload" button I press for my images they're still just LINKED to their original sites. That's why my tissue-trophy Heavenly Sword coverage is now lacking its emphatic "GIVE IT UP FOR ROCK 'N' ROLL", an issue I'm going to have to promptly take up with support staff.

But yeah, anyway, I'm sitting here in this RAM-laced shitgarden and I'm reading these blogs, right? I got exposed to the usual gaming blog drama: the trenches of console loyalty, the pathos-missile rants of excitement held next to anger, the..

Wait, huh? No, there were two avenues I could go down today. I could sneak in a quick game of Mario Kart DS (Fabulous, by the way! 9.5 / Charmed) or I could present my review of M83's latest, Saturdays=Youth. I made my choice, kids!

Fuck video games.

But I am glad I touched briefly on blog drama before entering a discussion of this revivalist (reactionary...?) production. I've found that I enjoy reading a good blog comment thread in the way a masochist takes pleasure in denying himself pain, and in the Grand Old Spirit of morbid curiosity I decided to check out various responses to this (leaked!) album. The results, it seemed, were as I'd feared: announcements that this marked a deviation from M83's previous output -- and quite the negative one, at that.

Bullshit. Unpretentious Pretentious kids (best summarized as the "I'm Accomplished, No Really" crowd or IANRs) attacking pop are identical to '90s bubblegum-girls lashing out against lush production. Identical? No, sorry: when pop girls say they don't wanna fuck, they mean it.

And yeah, "I don't wanna fuck" basically sums up any argument any detractor can possibly throw at Saturdays=Youth.

Let's talk about the role of time in electronic music. Not musical "time" per se -- we all know about boom-boom-boom-boom-CHANGE -- but rather the painful truth that electronic music is subject to the very same chronological-developmental whims of the computers that help create it! One can listen to a computer-assisted record from any point before 2000 (and in some cases up to 2004) and instantly produce a measure of "currentness" based only on the technical prowess of the master and the samples available (or desirable) at the time. The conventional wisdom of electronic production is that everything must be made bigger and better with the passing years, leaving huge openings for genre detractors to identify that "that record you're listening to? It's gonna sound like shit in a year or two." "Maybe they're wrong, maybe they're right" sums up your mental response, doing your best to hide from yourself your own concern about the notorious 3- to 4-year watermark!

So what's the problem? Just use old instruments, right? Sorry -- if you make a big thing of your equipment's age, your form just raped your function and you're being ironic. It's FUNNY, guys! I'm serious! Next thing you know you're in a band called The 8-Bit 1-Ups, and I don't even need to make a snide comment about your fuckin' first release.

Through Saturdays=Youth, Mr. Gonzales has (with startling grace!) reinvented the American 1980s in his image. After a quick runthrough of "Kim & Jessie" even the most grizzled rockist finds himself questioning his own religion: the '80s weren't good, were they? NO! No, 1967 was good! I'm sure of it! Meanwhile their IANR kids are tugging at their pantlegs, demanding info on an apparently brave new-old era their parents had been guarding so selfishly all these years. What the kids REALLY need to learn, though, is that Kim and Jessie have a secret world in the twilight. 8.7 (Charmed)

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

You Used to Be So Amused: Explosions in the Sky at Congress Theatre

EXORDIUM

Get this out of the fuckin' way quick: the opening act's staggering lack of musical merit (I'm so proooooooooggy) was outweighed entirely by his situational merit. Confused? Half of a concert experience is the interaction you have with those with whom you went- in my case a very attractive, intelligent girl with whom I share a brotherly-sisterly bond. And the opening act gets ya—they always fuckin' get ya—at the worst possible time, because they're up on stage and you're in the middle of a brilliant statement and—wait, should I stop talking, should I quiet down?—nah, they're just fuckin' roadies, they all look exactly like fuckin' roadies—and holy shit they're playing music, they're legit, and now I have to stop! Bullshit! So this roadie-lookin' blowjob comes up on stage with his guitar (I think it was a guitar, but since he was a proggy douchebag, he refused to make guitar sounds for the entirety of his set and I have no way of confirming) and he plays a few random notes. Some boring atonal samples start looping (so prooooooogggy) and we all quiet down. And then one by one we, bored by his pretension/convention (note to self: coin neologism) realize that there's nothing worth listening to and one by one we return to our conversations, the volume increasing so beautifully—this is logarithmic, get a fucking mathematician in here because this is logarithmic—and bam I have one more hour to finish my conversation and the next conversation and the one after. We're all on the same page vis a vis situational merit now? Mmmmmkay. And now I come staggering out of the gate.


DECLAMATION

In the professional wrestling community we have this distinction between two types of fans. There's the marks, right. They're the mouth-breathing plebians who still think the shit's legit—or at least act like it—and basically make 8-year-old children out of themselves at the first opportunity. If you are a good guy, the mark will cheer for you—If you're a bad guy, the mark will boo you—If you're selling a T-shirt the mark will spend for you—because he is a fucking child and that is all he can do. Then we got the smarts, who are the smug, self-absorbed assholes who will cheer someone because they do a 450 arm-trap corkscrew springboard original powerbomb five times a minute. They boo people because those goddamn infantile marks happen to like them, and they buy merchandise so they can strategically create the “Oh, you're wearing a pro-wrestling shirt—isn't that stuff fake?” moment where they look down on that fucking mongoloid who doesn't understand their sophistication. But there are these moments—these rare, fleeting moments—when the deformed creature that is the smart, that is the pro-wrestling fan in general, becomes something more. When the smart realizes he's watching something truly epic, truly memorable, he will—as we say in the biz—“mark out”. Away go the asshole pretensions and in come the representations of the best aspects of the medium: this right here, in this brief moment, is a man who not only appreciates the technical mastery and storytelling capability shown by the two men in the ring, but appreciates their match on the child-like emotional level as well.

See I mention this because when you are seeing Explosions in the Sky live, you are marking the fuck out. You are standing there or sitting there and up on that stage you see those fuckers—those brilliant fuckers!—and they are Hulk Hogan, they are Michael Jordan, they are Superman, they are Jesus Fucking Christ—and you're a child, you're just a fucking child, what the fuck could you possibly do, what the fuck else do you know how to do but display unconditional love? They're up there and you're trying to marshal your forces, all your musical knowledgeis that a Swamp Ash SG he's playing, I think it is but I can't be sure—but it's not, it's not, Gibson had nothing to do with it and it's made of light and its strings are sound and he's up there, playing that guitar! And you thought you could defy him. Critique him. You thought in your hubris you could understand a single thing he's doing up there on that stage, you fool, you human, you fucking child.

That's not to say that Explosions don't hold up under laboratory conditions. Rather! Far be it from me to suggest that they display anything but the highest levels of science in their recorded compositions. I mean, why the hell would we need another tub-thumping ringmaster commanding our attention raptly but shyly staring at her $400 leather boots when the whiteboards come out? I'll leave the honors to you, Hannah! See, she's got half the act down because Explosions only have so much time in their days and so many lives they can change, but I assure you—I'm callin' it—that Hannah will have, within four years, released a post-rock masterwork. Imagine her on the cover now! And return to this article after you've finished your twenty push-ups.


It was refreshing for me to receive confirmation that Explosions does in fact agree with me on the identities of their best songs (The Birth and Death of the Day, Catastrophe and the Cure, The Only Moment We Were Ever Alone). I mean, opinion becomes nothing the second you start doubting it, but there's all this fuckin' relevatism and it's good to see that Generic Pitchfork Writer #12 (Joph?) will find himself in a gleaming white prison of sound some day or other. Hey, not my call. Matter of fact, all I can be sure of is that Explosions delivered the most powerful concert experience I've had in the last year (don't get greedy now!), managing without any gimmicks. Fuckin' gimmicks! Can't go to a concert without having some blowjobs in Princeton haircuts acting out an ancient Greek morality play on a greenscreen! All they did for us, all they did to us was play music. We were treated to two hours of three men convicting us of murder with their guitars while the drummer played stenographer.


PERORATION

The stenographer is Vergil! The stenographer is Kafka! In the parlor! With the candlestick! Without remorse! Without hyperbole!


Monday, April 7, 2008

Nos Chers Amis 2007 (Part 4)

Cutting Down Trees
  • 300's Fans: This is not Sparta, nor is it particularly madness. Additionally, we have no plans to dine in Hell tonight. I'm sorry to say that repeating these statements will not make them true. Even if you attach a zany photoshopped picture or wacky word replacement to it!
  • NME: "Shoegaze" was bad. "Nu-rave" was worse. But I should be able to safely read an online conversation about the revival of "Shoegaze" without seeing a comment praising the arrival of "nu-gaze." Not "nu-gaze". I draw the line there. "Nu-gaze" just goes WAY too fucking far.
  • Amy Winehouse: The scene: a TreasonShit concert in LA. Who are they? Oh, you know the drill... grindcore with a Foals bent, I guess. Wait, what's this? The leading lady seems kinda thin!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Alright, I got a challenge. You up to the task?
paris.by.night: Fuckin' Agamemnon, y'know?
paris.by.night: Oh, sorry chief!
paris.by.night: Sure thing.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Name one heroic thing Pete Doherty has ever done.
paris.by.night: I hear he's got the Jonestown Pout down pat.
paris.by.night: There's gotta be something in that?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Jonesto- what, what the fuck is that? That isn't anything, that doesn't mean anything! Now shut the fuck up before it turns into a genre!
Brian: Hey, I--
paris.by.night: Fuck, I guess you're right.
paris.by.night: Last thing we need is Pre-Jonestown No Wave records appearing on W.A.S.T.E. Central.
Napoleon.In.Rags: If ya don't cut that out right now, buddyboy, I'mma have to surround you and kick you into a conveniently-placed bottomless pit!
Napoleon.In.Rags: That- that's badass, right? That would be badass? Yeah? Alright, just checkin'. We're cool, we're cool.
paris.by.night: Leonidas... isn't that the name of a Jonestown Stomp record from the 70s?
paris.by.night: Wasn't very good, if I recall. Got a bit overplayed.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Now now. If it's good enough to have such a fuckin' meaningless genre, it's good enough to be played incessantly!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Babyshambles! Muse! Arctic Monkeys! All I got, folks, all I got!
paris.by.night: As much as I appreciate the fuckin' nu-town list--
Napoleon.In.Rags: Babyshambles! Babyshambles! Babyshambles! How many times I gotta say it to make you forget that it's the same band as The Kinks?
paris.by.night: Don't forget The Doors!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Wait, who?
paris.by.night: Quiet!
paris.by.night: I hear sandworms!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Wait, seriously! If these "Doors" are some sort of Yankee bollocks, you can't expect me to-
paris.by.night: You were AT that TreasonShit concert. They opened!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Hey, hey, keep your voice down. Can't expect Leonidas to bail us out of another sandworm attack, can we?
paris.by.night: Hey, I got a quick VAMPIRE WEEKEND theory.
paris.by.night: I know you're not tired of those!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Shoot!
paris.by.night: Alright, so I believe YOU were the one to originally show me the Winehouse before-and-after shot...
paris.by.night: Look at the high school side.
paris.by.night: Prep-rock.
paris.by.night: Do I gotta fill in the rest of the blanks?
Napoleon.In.Rags: So within ten years or so we can expect Vampire Weekend to have morphed into drugged-up goblins who ride piggyback atop slack-jawed, moaning convicts?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Or uh... you referring to the Grammy part?
paris.by.night: I...
paris.by.night: I think we've got a Jonestown Tossup on our hands!

Most charming in our eyes: Amy Winehouse (???)

Building Cities
  • RPG Elements: I'd be overusing italics here like I usually do, but I guess my dexterity just isn't high enough. Ding!
  • The iPhone: First and foremost a postmodern tool of deception. I know a guy with an iPhone. He has Cross on it. Impressive, eh? Guess what his favorite fuckin' track is.
  • The Justin Timbaland War Machine: We've mentioned their name. Now they're aware of our existence. They smile, maybe chuckle a bit, and go to work on making a club remix of this blog.
paris.by.night: I'm making some calls.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Using what? A reasonable type of telephone, I hope?
paris.by.night: Well I tried, but these gentlemen aren't too responsive!
paris.by.night: They're wrapped up in some kinda fuckin' award show or something.
paris.by.night: So I've had to... well... you can take a quick look at the noms yourself.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Okay, let's see what we ha- what, fuckin' iPhone?
Napoleon.In.Rags: See, the thing about those is that Apple had to put "Phone" in the name, else nobody would remember that you can actually use them to make calls.
Napoleon.In.Rags: All surfing the internet, watching Lost and listening to Jet, when suddenly comes a mysterious ringing.
Napoleon.In.Rags: What, am I low on RAM? Is that it? Do I gotta upgrade my graphics card?
paris.by.night: I'm gonna walk you through a bit of the functionality I find useful 'cause I feel iPhones get a needlessly bad name, k?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fire away!
paris.by.night: Alright, first: the actual interface is profoundly robust.
paris.by.night: "Interaction on new levels" and all that? No, it's mostly just dragging shit. But there's this button people don't usually use...
paris.by.night: It's tucked away in the corner of the Preferences menu. A little scope.
Napoleon.In.Rags: (Still no mention of phone calls)
paris.by.night: Wait, it's coming!
paris.by.night: (As best I can figger it) the scope button is some kind of primitive conference call feature
paris.by.night: Primitive in that you don't actually control which two people you find yourself speaking to!
Napoleon.In.Rags: I know many phones which trump the iPhone in this respect.
paris.by.night: Wait, hear me out!
paris.by.night: See, I've been trying for months to figure out why it's a scope button, right? Then earlier today I realized -- the two men on the other line are snipers but GET THIS -- they don't know it yet!
Napoleon.In.Rags: So call one of them on a reasonable phone! He'll tell the other and your problems are solved!
Napoleon.In.Rags: But you know what? Fuck that. On a reasonable phone, most you can do is get a Hannah Montana wallpaper.
paris.by.night: Hey, hey! Sorry to interject, but--
Napoleon.In.Rags: You're crusin' with an iPhone? Bam! You're watching her live concert DVD while listening to the studio version and looking up Wikipedia trivia about the TV show!
Napoleon.In.Rags: And this is the only acceptable use for an iPhone.
paris.by.night: You got a phone? Like just any old kind?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Yeah.
paris.by.night: Alright. I can tell from your glib description of the iPhone's function that you still don't take it seriously--
paris.by.night: so here, I'mma call you and your roommate up.
Napoleon.In.Rags: No, don't, you'll regret tha-
[The phone rings. He answers, don't ya know.]
Justin: Who's this?
[Irreplaceable!]
[The One And Only.]
Justin: Aaaaand thanks for the samples. Hey Timbaland! Let's go crank this sucka out and buy a private jet.
paris.by.night: I-- it's not working!
paris.by.night: I swear, the iPhone is so useful!
paris.by.night: I was going to have those guys attack that one awards show--
Napoleon.In.Rags: Attack? Attack? Listen, asshole, I got a pair of pants that give me +50 Attack!


Napoleon.In.Rags: Pockets are just too small to fit an iPhone, don't ya know.
paris.by.night: Comfortable enough for a private jet?
Justin: Comfortable! There we go, I was lookin' for a song title.

Most charming in our eyes: The Justin Timbaland War Machine

Planting Trees In Cities
The Bioware Guys: The Bioware Guys: These two were inadvertantly responsible this year for the headline "Sexbox Sexpose!" That is all I can ask of two men.

  • Shigeru Miyamoto: Miyamoto-san, can you help me read the sign in the castle garden? It's blurry, I... what's that? No, please don't leave, I-- oh. It's so cold in here.
  • Thom Yorke
paris.by.night: We fucked up. Bad.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Do you think if we apologize now, could we still-
paris.by.night: Naw. I already sent the nominations in.
paris.by.night: Best to move forward from here, I guess...
paris.by.night: Try to deal with the fact we just pit Thom Yorke against other people?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Yeah, well, ah- okay, uh... paltry commendations for the other two nominees? Is that how we wanna play it?
paris.by.night: That's how it's gotta be. Mario Galaxy was a good time.
Napoleon.In.Rags: And, well... I read some good reviews of Mass Effect?
paris.by.night: Fuck! We really dug ourselves in this time, didn't we...
Napoleon.In.Rags: We still have a few scrolls to go! We can't just end here, but... what the fuck do we say?
paris.by.night: This was really, really dumb, I--
Napoleon.In.Rags: Can we just stop now?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Like, is that allowed?
Administrator: Tsk, tsk. No, boys, this just won't do!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fuck! We gotta pay the bills!
Administrator: Listen, boys, I been in this business a long time. I seen kids like you rise and fall like a shitty nu-town record in a fickle editorial. I seen girls -- good, reasonable, KIND girls -- slandered mercilessly in shit like this. In this.
Napoleon.In.Rags: I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Look, we'll fix this! We'll-
Administrator: Boys, I'm gonna need you to apologize.
Napoleon.In.Rags: - we'll put everything-
paris.by.night: Huh? He just di--
Administrator: Apologize to this poor girl right here.
paris.by.night: Listen, sir, there's a certain degree of journalistic integrity that needs to be respected here, and--
Administrator (The Gentile): They call me a man of old-fashioned values, kid. You? You call me 'sir'.
paris.by.night: But what of... what of the very institution of the editorial?!
The Gentile: You boys are complainin' about a past decision. No amendments in this constitution, kids. I've taken in young Amy and --
Napoleon.In.Rags: - hey! You two fuckbags, shut up and listen!
Napoleon.In.Rags: This is all a foregone conclusion, 'cause like I said, I'mma fix this! I'mma put everything-
Yorke: - everything -
Yorke: - in its right place.
The Gentile: [Sputtering] M- Mr. Yorke, you've got to understand me, I--
Yorke: What was that you tried to say?
The Gentile: You've got to--
Yorke: Tried to say?
The Gentile: Please! We--
Yorke: Tried to say!

Most charming in our eyes: Thom Yorke

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Fuck Video Games (Vol. 1)

The more astute among you will know that I'm not saying any of this to be somehow "contrary", to hate the thing everybody loves. Shit man, I was looking forward to Brawl as much as the next guy: even denied myself access to the "Dojo", a sly marketing technique on Nintendo's part whereby details of the game were steadily leaked until... well, practically everything was known. Naw man, I was already sold as a seasoned (if unprofessional) Melee veteran looking to Recapture the Glory. It's happened before, you know. Mario Galaxy was really fun, but --

-- but I don't play it, Mr. Miyamoto, I don't play it. That's a problem! If I'm looking for a good Mario game I'll dust off my N64 and look to "The Nineties", thank you! Leave my forwarding address with that elusive rabbit and take that Castle Secret Slide straight down to the fuckin' No Doubt concert! Starfuckers!

So is it the same with Brawl? Is it permanently overshadowed by Melee? No. The problem with nostalgia, Mr. Miyamoto, is that it's impossible to feel nostalgia for nostalgia. Brawl is a self-addressed Nintendo love letter more than a "game", that's no secret, but
any future love letters to Brawl will need to be addressed to its "original" properties, almost all of which find their way from down an inbred family tree beginning with the original "Game of '99", most of which were simply tacked on by HAL so as to minimally interfere with the Core Element: the Nintendo property.
Here's what that leaves us with: a cynical "self" that self-references a self-referencing self. Gaaame over! CONTINUE?

So I guess that's why I find myself playing Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines again this week instead of partaking in the expected Brawl honeymoon. A lot of stomping can and should be done about this game, criminally ignored for being simultaneously rushed and ahead of its time, its many bugs corrected over the years by understandably-dedicated fans. But that's for its own article. Why's Bloodlines so hot? It ain't a video game, kids... it's a supremely successful film! Suck it!



Does It Offend You, Yeah? "Modern" video games are successful when they try their best to be totally transparent, to suck to the lies (if you will) of another medium altogether. Bloodlines for film, Rock Band for music... even No More Heroes, at first seemingly a celebration of "video gaming", is actually the product of mid-nineties Otaku culture: Japan looking at America while America looked at Japan. Shit went down.

And it's appropriate NMH should look longingly to the nineties, just as Brawl does: as attempted celebrations of gaming, they can only celebrate the past. What of "gamer gaming", then? The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Super Mario 64 and Metal Gear Solid killed the practice to such an extent that it now consists hollowly of macho-shit-wankfests and bleary-eyed double-nostalgia trips. Hm... I'll take that to go, thanks! See ya in Gears of War tonight?

Fuck video games.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Got a Nickel for Ya!

Here ya go, kid.

Now at this point you're bobbing your head in anticipation and I'm supposed to provide you the lens through which you view this. What, are you supposed to revile this, deploring the modern state of popular music? Or are you supposed to marvel at how our intrepid DJ friend has put together a thoroughly listenable track from these base (note the double meaning, kids- it could pay off in English class!) components? Or is this a "Pitchfork-rates-Since-U-Been-Gone-
The-2nd-Best-Track-Of-The-Year" affairs, where we assert superiority over those other pretentious guys by demonstrating that pop music isn't bad, it's just above them?

Hey, fuck you, customers.

I'm a genre culture critic, not Franklin (Delanooooooooo) Roosevelt. Hold your own fucking hands, will you? Those of you who immediately figured out the right answer on your own can watch Lost (wait, are we allowed to watch that?!? Quick, gimme a sign!) and go to sleep happy and healthy. The rest of you are welcome to furrow your brows until you assure yourself that I, of course, am just as in the dark as you are.

It's convenient that way, innit?

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Nos Chers Amis 2007 (Part 3)

I Can See You From Space
  • Playstation 3: Frequently I'm asked to justify the purchase of a PS3 in lieu of a 360, given the classic "but what about the games, man?" argument. Hey, you: take a quick peek at the Warmest Reception category. Shit's enough to make your console overheat, eh?
  • Cloverfield Marketing Department: Hey- psst! Hey kid, c'mere. Come over 'ere, I got a nickel for ya. Ain't gonna hurt ya kid, I ain't gonna hurt ya, nobody's gonna hurt ya. Just wanna talk is all, wanna talk to a kid is like you is all. Hey, hey, don't worry, kid, it's cool, it's all cool. Here, look, I ain't armed or nothin', I just wanna talk, got somethin' I wanna ask ya. Now why don'tcha c'mere and get yer shiny nickel? That's right, kid, attaboy, that's a good kid- [WHAM] J.J. Abrams has taken off his mask and is smiling over you as you clutch your testicles in vain.
  • Justice - Cross: FUCK the whiners. "It's not cool anymoooore", "Uffie's song is the beeeest", "Amy Winehouse is a heeero." Four capital letters.
Napoleon.In.Rags: The way you move is so miserly!
paris.by.night: Yeah? Probably 'cause that shit shattered my bones.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Universal healthcare is tough shit. Throw a bone to the Vietnam war, will ya. Gettin' cold in here.
paris.by.night: Post Traumatic Stress: Waugh, wah-uh WAH-AW!
paris.by.night: Enough bones thrown?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fun fact, kids: Every suburb in America contains a club called El Divino (PRINTED IN GOLD) where you have to wear a white shirt to get in (CAUSE DETAILS MAKE THE GIRLS SWEAT). Any brave souls gonna take Xavier and Gaspard up on their offer here? We're looking for a message.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fact of the matter is, Justice has not been to every suburb in America. Far as I can tell they can keep their black shirts in the closet.
paris.by.night: Black shirts?! Dollars and cents, my good man! These gentlemen are the dollars and cents of french house!
paris.by.night: What does that make fuckin'... fuckin' Digitalism?
paris.by.night: HINT: It's an -ism!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Wait, Digitalism is still relevant?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Oh... I got yer number! Bait'n'switch for the bloghopper indie kids! You've been hoodwinked, folks.
paris.by.night: Exactly: no more relevant than Stalin, I'd wager, but there'll always be the red men from Cairo.
paris.by.night: Playing goddamn Xbox 360s.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Blu-Ray = Hillary Clinton?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Go ahead, draw up the rest of the metaphor. Here, I'll even leave the remaining fields blank so you can pretend to take credit for it.
paris.by.night: I'm not finishing shit! I'm not comfortable with that, you can't decide that based on a format war, you can't sugge--
Napoleon.In.Rags: ? = ?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Go! Chop that wood!
paris.by.night: So be it. Hilary Clinton = Burial. A=B, B=C, A=C. Suck it.
Amy Winehouse: HOLDIN YOOOUUUU
paris.by.night: Holy shit
paris.by.night: C=D ain't something I'm prepared to handle. You?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Let's uh... let's not take any options off the table.
Napoleon.In.Rags: I mean, I'm prepared to go all the way up to J = J = Abrams. (This is known as a "segue")
paris.by.night: Would you be willing to participate in a quick mock interview playing the role of Mr. Abrams?
paris.by.night: I've only really got one question.
paris.by.night: Are you the lonely man in the lonely tower, the lonely man with all the power?
Napoleon.In.Rags: [A plot twist]
paris.by.night: ... Hello, Mr. Abrams? We're hitting a bit of static.
Napoleon.In.Rags: [A character is now dead]
Napoleon.In.Rags: [The character is no longer dead]
paris.by.night: Mr. Abrams, that was entirely inappropriate.
paris.by.night: I'd like you to apologize, Mr. Abrams.
Napoleon.In.Rags: [Hey, fuck you, customer]
Napoleon.In.Rags: [A plot twist]
paris.by.night: Looks like I've got my answer.
paris.by.night: [I set the phone down. Miss the receiver, don't ya know.]
Napoleon.In.Rags: Shit, I was out for a few minutes, wasn't I? What'd I miss?
paris.by.night: The most frightening phone call of my life.

Most charming in our eyes: Justice - Cross

Strongest Man From a God From a Machine
  • Super Mario Galaxy: The logical continuation of two major trends: the advancement of a series through successive improvements and the growing disdain of fans longing for the Old Time. Go listen to some fuckin' Nirvana.
  • No Country for Old Men: What's the most. You've ever lost. On a coin toss.
  • Lair: For those of you ready to Ctrl-C + Ctrl-V your standard flame composed of equal parts "$hittf@gs" and "sixaxis", I offer you the following advice: Euclidean space has only three axes. Seriously, what the fuck!
paris.by.night: You know, people tell me Lair is really more of a vacuous darling...
Napoleon.In.Rags: Isn't she pretty!
paris.by.night: That she is. Not too pretty; not above criticism. I like that.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Pop quiz: How many axes are there?
paris.by.night: [A bold man leaps onto the stage, eyes ablaze with passion, screaming "SIX!"]
paris.by.night: [I stare into his left eye and remark 'I should only see half of you."]
Napoleon.In.Rags: See, that's exactly the thing. Anyone who's got shit to say about Lair is the bastard child of unmitigated expectations and unmitigated shame. I'm riding a fuckin' dragon, folks!
paris.by.night: Of course it's full of the things people love to complain about: they jump up and down screaming "this shit takes itself seriously!" Hah. As if to imply that, say, a lethal traffic cone from a blown reactor is a qualification? I could get that on the first Playstation.
Napoleon.In.Rags: I'm breathing fire and shit! FWOOOOOSSH! Out of the way, kids, I'm lethal!
paris.by.night: Looks like we're cooked, Mr. Harrison! Positively cooked!
Amy Winehouse: RIIIIIIIIDGE RACER!
paris.by.night: The race is about to get started, yes -- but what's this, a dragon on the road?
paris.by.night: Looks like we'll have to call The Man.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Stomp, stomp!
paris.by.night: What was his name again?
paris.by.night: Sugar or something?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Look, you can call him whatever you want.
Napoleon.In.Rags: All I know is he's the ultimate badass or something.
paris.by.night: Have you ever... seen him?
paris.by.night: I know I haven't-- what's this?? Good Lord He's On That Dragon.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Our only hope left is to trust in... wait, Mario?

Napoleon.In.Rags: Fuck, that can't be right!
paris.by.night: Well I guess that's good in theory, yeah?
paris.by.night: I mean he can jump, and we're dealing with a dragon...
Napoleon.In.Rags: No, this is some scary shit here! Gimme the Old Time!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Gimme an NES, gimme a game that was good only due to novelty value and that has aged terribly, and gimme my big brother's acoustic guitar so I can play Come As You Are because I haven't even learned fuckin' power chords yet!
paris.by.night: Gimme...
paris.by.night: Gimme Back My Alcohol.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Bottoms up, boys! Ain't no use bein' sober when a dragon just set you on fire!

Most charming in our eyes: Lair

Most Vacuous Darling
  • No More Heroes: This is a genre culture blog, after all! What's this I'm hearing, are you standing up to protest? "But this game's stup--" Oops, looks like you got cut off by TRAVIS TOUCHDOWN.
  • Vampire Weekend - Blue CDR: Now this is one hell of an impressive feat, considering that everything is stacked against these kids vis a vis musical credibility. Fuckin' Ivy-League Afro-profanity flop-mongers don't even know when to use a fuckin' Oxford comma!
  • Black Kids - Wizard of Ahhhs: The most unlikeable part of this is how much you like this unlikeable shit.
paris.by.night: Wait! Wait, look at those nominations!
paris.by.night: Do we LIKE these things?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Oh, hey there. Listen: Marcel and I were planning to head down to Harvard Yard this weekend, maybe hit up Bartley's and find ourselves a poetry circle. Wanna come, fuckbag?
paris.by.night: Walcott, don't you know that it's insane?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Hear me out! Astley and Joph are probably gonna be there, and Joph's been telling me about a new piece he's working on. It's post-word. Massive shit, bonhomme. You in or out?
paris.by.night: I'll stay the fuck out, thanks.
paris.by.night: I read Joph's annual coal reports and there are major discrepancies
Napoleon.In.Rags: You're not implying that he--
paris.by.night: Yeah, something like that.
paris.by.night: Something dumb like that.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Travis Touchdown, he always tells the truth!
paris.by.night: It's easy to tell the truth when you decide what truth is -- or are we giving Mr. Touchdown too much power?
paris.by.night: Whoa, whoa!
paris.by.night: I just suggested we were giving MISTER TOUCHDOWN too much POWER!
Napoleon.In.Rags: He's got a fuckin' lightsaber! You gotta watch yourself around that thing!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Wait... or is he the one that makes a derivative blend of synthpop and the fecal matter of the British Invasion?
Napoleon.In.Rags: I can never remember these things!
paris.by.night: What's worse: a band that comes from a social networking boom or a band that comes from That Site?
Napoleon.In.Rags: No, seriously: which is which?
Napoleon.In.Rags: You're not giving me an actual choice with these terms!
paris.by.night: Alright, I think I figured it out: No More Heroes hail from Myspace, Black Kids from P--
Napoleon.In.Rags: Hey, stop right there!
Napoleon.In.Rags: The point of the joke here is that No More Heroes is actually a video game, but think about it!
Napoleon.In.Rags: That's an outstanding name for a pack of purveyors of MySpace Rock!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Quick, what's the name of their first single?
paris.by.night: "(At Times) I'm Shot"
Napoleon.In.Rags: Impressive work. The most obnoxiously-named member of their Top 8?
paris.by.night: Amy fuckin' Winehouse.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Inevitable. And the band that picks them up as the opening act of a major tour only to dump them midway after realizing nobody cares about MySpace anymore?
paris.by.night: Band?
paris.by.night: Hah!
paris.by.night: Fuckin' Burial.

Most charming in our eyes: Vampire Weekend - Blue CDR