Sunday, December 21, 2008

"Adulthood"

Hey! Us kids know!

Year's almost over, so that goddamn awards show's already set up shop at my heels and commenced the appropriate nipping protocols. Coming into '08 there was a definite air of fuck yeah! on the musical end, with beloved new acts like Wolf Parade and Tokyo Police Club slated for sophomore releases. While last year's ceremonies were still going on, I was scratching my head as to what new and outlandish award categories we could fashion for those albums, but the result ended up being—and stop me if you've heard this before—that they changed it. Moreover—and this may or may not be connected to said change—it now sucks.

To summarize: they changed it, now it sucks.

Obviously it's common practice for the blockrog crowd to take this phrase each morning with their tea and scones (nice breakfast choices, assholes), but I've always prided myself as being somewhat of a yeasayer (All Hours Cymbals by Yeasayer: 7.72/10) in these matters. Arcade Fire are better than Talking Heads, Futureheads are better than Gang of Four, and goddamn anything is better than Dinosaur, Jr. But it's an entirely different case here. Nobody has “sold out” (or have they? I honestly dunno. You'll notice that the only reference ever to a record label on this blog was my metaphorical invocation of DFA in my first article, and, y'know what, I may have been talking about the band), nobody's “just ripoffs”, nobody's putting out “the same old shit”. Au contraries, I place the blame on “adulthood”.

Let's review: I've already declared that bands like Arcade Fire have as much of a place—or even more—in the artistic canon as their “groundbreaking” and “revolutionary” progenitors, and this is only partly the usual slam on the nostalgia-mongers. The other half, and the one we'll discuss here, is that “derivative” has become a de facto cuss word in artistic circles. The very notion that a new release draws inspiration or elements from an earlier work is enough to send some into a rage, like so: “they're all just unofficial mods to Quaaaaaaaaaake!” One might counter that the argument is less absurd when stripped of hyperbole, but I really don't think it is.

The contention of the Reasonable Man is that, while originality and experimentation may be of value in the process, its only value in the product is if it contributes to a greater final aesthetic. Granted, if you had shot David Bowie before he ever declared himself a sex alien, I would probably disappear from the fucking time-stream, but that's neither here nor there. I, the Theorist have reason to care about originality, as it very often does lead to the pioneering of new and worthy aesthetics, but I, the Listener am perfectly content with my Foals, thank you. You'll note that in my colleague's repeated attacks on said gentlemen, he has lashed out against the concept (not the execution!) of Jack White twice, yet never actually mentioned music. Valid?

's all we got today, folks. Tune in next time, wherein if you read really closely, you might be able to figure out why these articles are titled “Adulthood”.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Watch Movies Sometimes

Frost/Nixon
The Wrestler
Slumdog Millionaire
Let The Right One In

Fuck, was I supposed to append an article to this? UFC 92 ain't for another week and a half, so it doesn't look like I got a lot of outs...


My bad, guys.

Fuck Video Games (Vol. 3)


We're all trapped in fucking boxes. I already established that. So I think it's funny how, in the scramble to write all the year-end wrapups (NCA! GOAAAAL), the journalistically-inclined are reviewing the boxes that give us the boxes. You can call it what you want – I find the “six-sides of dick” more fitting than the “console war” – but because it's that time of year, I guess it's time to know just what side you're on.

Fuck video games.

No, this is not an endorsement, and no, I have no intention of turning this into a ForumPlanet discussion called “Xbox vs Wii vs PS3”... or “Halo 2 vs Half-life 2 vs Doom 3”... or, yeah, any of that. I'm also not gonna give you any of that “gamer unity” bullshit, or suggest to Jack Thompson that he “not fuck with us”, or even readily identify as a “gamer” in the first place. So I guess I'm not the right person to write this? Fuck! All dressed up and no place to go. Column canceled.

But uh, while you're here, let's talk about the possibilities for this NCA. Award shows are fun, as some of us know all-too-well, but they fail without proper declaration of intent. I'm going to take this time to throw out the names of some personal favorites as possible nominations, and I fully expect my colleague to follow suit:

Music
Tobacco – Fucked Up Friends
Women – Women
Max Tundra – Parallel Error Beheads You
Original Silence – The Second Original Silence
The Dead C – Secret Earth

Film
Wall-E
Fuck you?

Gaming
Metal Gear Solid 4
Mario Kart Wii
The Nintendo W-- Aww, fuck.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Funny Thing Happened . . .

Napoleon.In.Rags: sup?
paris.by.night: Just chillin'.
paris.by.night: And yourself?
paris.by.night: Hey, I got something to ask ya
Napoleon.In.Rags: Yeah?
paris.by.night: A man is brushing his teeth at 5 in the morning - he usually waits until 6
Napoleon.In.Rags: Why? I need to know.
paris.by.night: A car takes a left turn instead of its habitual right: the driver is distracted by a song he loves on the radio.
Napoleon.In.Rags: What's the meaning? Tell me.
paris.by.night: A professor tries to print out his syllabus: he winds up printing an email from his mother. He's ridiculed by his colleagues.
paris.by.night: How are these events connected?
Napoleon.In.Rags: I can't solve your problem.
Napoleon.In.Rags: I'm not your messiah.
paris.by.night: They aren't connected. Not in 2008 they aren't.
paris.by.night: It sounds like the setup for... a goddamn movie, doesn't it?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Nic Cage vehicle, you figger?
paris.by.night: A series of happenstance occurrences leading to -- well yeah, maybe an enormous fuckin' masonic treasure! Fuck!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Here, watch this:
Napoleon.In.Rags: Is it a fight to the death if they're both dying anyway?
Napoleon.In.Rags: (Two men find out in December)
paris.by.night: I'd rather think of it as Your Average Wager.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Yeah? What's on the line, soldier?
paris.by.night: Your Average Wager... My Average Wager... My Best Wager....Your Best Wager... My Best Bet
paris.by.night: There.
paris.by.night: I just named an NME band.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Soundtracks on the TeeVee. A bit counterintuitive, innit?
paris.by.night: You think Cage gives a fuck?
paris.by.night: You think Cage gave a shit when he started that magazine?
Napoleon.In.Rags: I mean, if we're gonna throw out some categories here, I'd wager Dear Science, qualifies for at least--
paris.by.night: Awwwww, christ!
paris.by.night: Maybe it's a code.
paris.by.night: Maybe it's just a cage after all?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Lissen, lissen, Cage isn't the target. You got the address all wrong.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Who lives at the end of the Five And A Half Minute Hallway, and who's the Lonely Man in the Lonely Tower?
Napoleon.In.Rags: (Two men find out in December)
paris.by.night: (That's your best bet!)
Napoleon.In.Rags: What is this shit, jangle-gaze? Now you're just fuckin' with me!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Here, put me on the line with the Man!
paris.by.night: Alright alright, I apologize.
paris.by.night: Forwarding you...
paris.by.night: Yes?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Do you live at the end of the 5 ½ minute hallway?
paris.by.night: I ... breathe with some effort.
Napoleon.In.Rags: I'm sorry, Mr. Abrams, I didn't catch that, could you repeat--
paris.by.night: [A strangled gasp]
paris.by.night: [A hallway. No windows.]
Napoleon.In.Rags: That's odd. A bit chilly all of a sudden.
paris.by.night: [A strangled gasp. Quieter this time. Dial tone.]
Napoleon.In.Rags: Huh. That was just a tad out of the ordinary.
Napoleon.In.Rags: But I think I have the answer. I think I can be the Messiah now.
paris.by.night: [Dial tone cuts off. A man breathing.]
paris.by.night: Hold on a moment.
Napoleon.In.Rags: How 'bout you? Did you Find Out?
paris.by.night: I wasn't really looking. [A dial tone plays, but the man keeps talking] Disconnected now. Funny how that happens. Disconnect please.
paris.by.night: Why don't you disconnect?
paris.by.night: [The dial tone is getting louder.]
Napoleon.In.Rags: 'cause I understand the chilliness all of a sudden.
Napoleon.In.Rags: That's the type of weather you're gonna get in December.
Napoleon.In.Rags: [click]
Napoleon.In.Rags: ((Do we end there, or you wanna keep going for a bit?))
paris.by.night: ((Keep going))
Napoleon.In.Rags: ((That's your call to make))
paris.by.night: ((A wall gets broken.))
Napoleon.In.Rags: (Wait no, no, fuck you. They can't see this, this part is real)
paris.by.night: ((The wall's gone. Defenses weren't strong enough, I guess.))
paris.by.night: (([A dial tone plays. It's faint.]))
paris.by.night: Abrams?
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fuck you! Cut the feed! Cut the brackets! Cut the bullshit!
paris.by.night: Cut the bullshit?
paris.by.night: Alright bud, there weren't many good movies this year.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fucking... what does this mean? Do we come clean? What other outs do we got?
paris.by.night: Yeah, I guess. Hands up, soldier!
Napoleon.In.Rags: Alright, let's roll with it.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Max Payne wins the Originality of Vision Award. Some hipsters in the corner chuckle.
Napoleon.In.Rags: This is my disappointingly-sized dick, Internet.
Napoleon.In.Rags: You two will be fast friends.
paris.by.night: Shitheads haven't seen a good movie since SalMar gave us Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. A dial tone starts. I IGNORE IT.
Napoleon.In.Rags: (See right now I notice he's entering more text, so I don't say anything. We're usually not that civil)
paris.by.night: (Looks like an error in iChat?)
paris.by.night: Oh Jesus God.
paris.by.night: That's...
paris.by.night: a dial tone.
Napoleon.In.Rags: Fuck! He's onto us!
paris.by.night: Shit! I'm outta here!

[[There should be a picture here somewhere. Maybe stick one in for the final post? Also, can we get a fix on those colors? They're too goddamn bright. --Ed.]]