Keyboards/Effects: SebastiAn
I'm contractually obligated to use the word “auteur” at least once in my description of young SebastiAn, so here goes: he's a fuckin' auteur. SebastiAn has proved time and time again that he remixes (kills?) with brutal efficiency, surgically slicing out a miniscule segment of the target song and encasing it in electro perfection until he flings it back at its original creator, who now feels just a bit embarrassed. Within this context I have no doubt that he'd live up to his previous successes, playfully wagging his finger at his bandmates as if to say “You are not yet perfect, mon ami!”
Bass: The guy from Tokyo Police Club
According to the band's website, his name is Dave Monks, as if that fucking matters. Also according to the band's website, he does vocals for the group, which I sure hope means he's the tolerable guy who sings for about seven seconds in Citizens of Tomorrow and not the joke whose impotence perpetually drags the group down. He's one of the fellows in the picture to your left (most likely the one with the second-to-least self-confidence), and I include him because he's probably the only bassist I can think of who makes his instrument matter (funk is not a genre, now shave off that soul patch and go home). From the opening moments of Nature of the Experiment's “Kong-kadong-ong!”, he continually reminds us that bass is in fact an instrument and not just a tried-and true technique that people in fast cars can use to prevent suburbanites from sleeping at 1 AM.
Drums: SebastiAn
Aww fuck, I gotta choose a drummer? Really? Y'know what, let's try this. You know what has drums? Electronic music. You know who makes that? SebastiAn. You know who's already in my group? SebastiAn. Now get the fuck away from me.
Guitarist: The Edge
Obviously I feel kinda odd about giving him the nod, seeing as half of you fuckers won't be content unless Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, and Yngwie Malmsteen all get nods. Believe me, I had a hard time justifying this, especially seeing as new U2 (and old U2!) is a testament to musical mediocrity. But as I was reaching desperately for someone I could nominate as the ideal guitarist, I realized that the only time I have ever cared about what a guitar in particular is doing is during New Year's Day. That song is a man skydiving out of a helicopter with a chainsaw in each hand in order to infiltrate a razor wire factory. That song, along with the fact that U2 did preempt The Arcade Fire by about two decades when they made Sunday Bloody Sunday, is enough in my book. I'm just going to conveniently forget that he had anything to do with any of U2's (Burial's?) songs.
Multi-Instrumentalist: Spencer Krug
Alright, got that out of the way. No idea what he'd play, but seeing as he's pretty much a prerequisite for such endeavors, I'm sure he'll be able to figure out. If we ever have a song that requires an electric dulcimer (note: all songs require the electric dulcimer), we'll toss one in front
of him and watch him please us.
Vocalist: Chris Daughtry
While you're certainly entitled to your torches and pitchforks, keep in mind that I'm giving the nod to the man and not to his music, if you will. I understand that Daughtry's songs are middling at best, but this has less to do with his vocal talent and more to do with the fact that he has terrible taste in music. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Daughtry is an amazing singer who would fit perfectly in this affair, if his urges to compose lukewarm 90's-poseur ballads could only be kept in check. An added bonus is that he looks like he could play a mysterious assassin named Salazar in a B-grade action movie that I'd completely want to see. No, seriously, imagine it. Eric Bana is stalking through the corridors of the nefarious biotech company, ruthlessly employing his jujitsu expertise on any guard foolish enough to get in his way. He's only one room away from the antidote chamber, but when he gets there, the guards are already dead. How could this be? He doesn't have time to find out, as he hears the sound of a katana being drawn behind him!
Architect: Thom Yorke
Inevitable. When you have this many musicians of different backgrounds, some more legitimate than others (fuck, I just realized that I put Chris Daughtry in this!), you need someone to tell them when and how to shut up and sit down. Yorke is that man, as has been proven time and time again. He levitates through cities of light, disdaining the concept of the genre to such an extent that he has decided to master them all. He tells each member of the band exactly what they must do if they ever want to be loved by anyone at all. He smiles gently at SebastiAn, who now starts to realize as a pit forms in his stomach that Sacre bleu, this man is more perfect than I!
Addendum: UFC 82 Predictions
Jon Fitch vs. Chris Wilson
Chris Leben vs. Alessio SakaraEvan Tanner vs. Yushin Okami
Cheick Kongo vs. Heath Herring
Anderson Silva vs. Dan Henderson
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